Don’t try and marry a convert if… by Sister Alicia Alexander a.k.a. Nomad Noor
+Warning this is a rant+
Dear Brothers in Islam Seeking a Convert Wife,
Please don’t express interest in a convert if you can’t deal with the issues that a convert to Islam has. Just save us sisters the disappointment and maybe even heart break – oh yeah.. and TIME.
Don’t claim to be a Sunnah loving brother if your sitting on your high horse judging the sister you expressed interest in based on her past BEFORE Islam.
So she had sex before marriage? Big deal! I know so many brothers who are born or converted to Islam who have done the same thing. The amount of hypocrisy in that single statement can’t be contained in an OCEAN- let alone a bucket.
She has a kid or kids from a previous marriage or relationship? Umm isn’t that a positive given there is proof she can have a kid? Geez.. you don’t even have proof your half of the DNA you want to share is viable.
She may have struggled with addictions such as alcohol or drugs of some form or another.
She may have been abused. Verbally, Sexually, Mentally, Financially, Emotionally, Physically or Digitally. She now may have issues trusting men among other things.
Why would you be doing such a thing given those sins are forgiven in the eyes of Allah? Especially if your a convert too.
Don’t hold a convert to a higher or lower standard than a born Muslim. A convert is just another Muslim – so the standard should stay the same regardless.
Converts aren’t some rare breed of Muslim that has special powers or skills that you will benefit from should you be able to persuade one to actually marry you.
For converts usually the main issue is usually our families. We deal with family issues most born Muslim’s should be grateful to avoid.
Our families drink, do drugs, have sex before marriage or are just generally promiscuous, are gay, transgender, bi sexual, some are hard-core Jews, Christians etc, some families serve pork to their new Muslim family members to express their disapproval, others disown or kick out their converted family member.
As converts we struggle constantly to strike a balance between Islam and our families. We desire to be good Muslims for the sake of Allah at the same time we want to respect and honor our parents and families. So we have to make a choice – when to be flexible and when to not be when it comes to the things our families ask of us.
When it comes to marriage most of us were raised with a belief in love and happily ever after – yes even the guys. Our families aren’t traditionally as involved in mate selection as other cultures and religions are. So our father’s aren’t usually going to be asking for your last 10 years tax returns, social security number and driving record. Our families view a marriage as between two individuals most of the time not between two families. Although the TV Show Dynasty might have changed that.
I have to personally make choices between do I share in Xmas celebrations or not? I judge that based on what the true motivation is behind the celebration as my family isn’t religious – I feel comfortable doing so.. knowing its about the actual time off from work and that the time has be designated to share time with family. How offensive would that be to my family? If I said.. no? On a scale of 1 -10 probably an 8.
Do I go to a dinner where my families will consume alcohol or not? How offensive would that be? I choose to attend knowing people will be doing a haraam activity from the Islamic perspective because it would offend people if I didn’t attend. My family would be confused and hurt.
And until I am married – Paradise is at the feet of my mother.
I could not live a life of peace if I spent every second of every day worrying about the small stuff. Never is there any sort of Dunya.. in which perfection exists for the average Muslim. My religious choice isn’t everyone else’s – so those standards don’t apply.
So Dear Brothers in Islam seeking a Convert Wife – Seek your future wife for her religion, beautiful personality, smile and the way she makes you feel better on the cloudiest of days. Knowing that the values, moral and ethical code apply to you and her.. and Insya Allah your future family together – don’t apply to hers. Understand that she has hard choices to make and that at times they will be extremely painful for one reason or another.
Insya Allah, then you’re ready to get married to a convert.
Convert since August 2007